It also illustrates a wider problem with the single-WC pub or bar, which has become much more common with the rise of micropubs and other shop conversions in recent years. When I was at school I vaguely remember studying Queuing Theory in Maths. I’ve forgotten most of it, but one bit that did stick was that reducing the number of outlets would have a much greater impact on the maximum queuing time than the average.
A single WC may be acceptable in a café, but in a bar, where customers are likely to linger more, and where they’re consuming a product known for its diuretic and laxative properties, it’s likely to become problematical. If someone needs to occupy the single trap for ten minutes or more (which, without going into details, can happen) then other customers may be put in a very awkward and embarrassing position.
While I wouldn’t go so far as to want it banned under planning regulations, as a point of principle I won’t give my custom to any bar with a single WC. The tiny Circus Tavern in Manchester city centre manages to provide separate ladies’ and gents’ toilets, with a trap and a couple of urinals in the gents’, so why should they be any different? This is not a question of toilets being unisex (that’s a separate issue), but of the overall level of provision being seriously inadequate.
I have been told that planning rules state that, if you want to provide more than a single WC, one of them has be accessible to the disabled, which is reasonable enough in theory, but in practice may deter, or physically prevent, bar owners from expanding provision even if they feel it’s insufficient. The best becomes the enemy of the good.
On the other hand, of course, the much-derided Wetherspoon’s are noted for their ample toilet provision, although it can be something of a hike to get there. Plus they win numerous awards for toilet hygiene.
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Not very CAMRA of you, mate.
ReplyDeleteYou are meant to gloss over any deficiencies of micro pubs because they are our thing. Small, independent, exclusive, middle class, obscure beer. Score them highly, vote to award them.
Save your criticism for the corporate chain pubs which we don't like.
Interesting that a pub with a deficient all-round customer offer gets in the GBG. Whilst I know “it’s all about the beer quality”, it surprises me how many pubs with peculiarities that make them very niche outlets get into it. Odd set of recommendations that reduce its value as a workable guide.
ReplyDeleteI've made the observation before that many people buy the GBG as a kind of woolly-jumpered version of the Good Pub Guide, for when they're outside their local area. A bar with a very limited offer, limited facilities and limited opening hours is likely to come across as a wasted entry.
DeleteAnd yet this type of novelty outlet, still gets selected for the Good Beer Guide. I'm pleased that I'm no longer wasting my money on the publication.
DeleteIt’s the sort of passive aggressive instruction that always makes me want to do exactly the opposite. I might have a trip down to the coast for a beer and leave them an unflushed present while I’m there.
ReplyDeleteMudge, did you mean to use the expression "adhere to it"?
ReplyDeleteI didn't consciously mean it in that sense, but it's sort of appropriate :-)
DeleteI agree surely you could out a toilet block out back. Micropubs would be a great idea for Ireland.
DeleteJust had my first Bitter other than Dungarvan Comeragh Challenger bitter in the form of Timothy Taylor Boltmaker.
The Dentons in The League of Gentlemen had a rule about not passing solids.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYzoQD89lKU
Split Chimp in Newcastle will get a big turd soon, for balance and diversity.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you 100 percent on this one, Mudge. Last week's visit to the Secret Cask micropub, at Edenbridge, once again proved the point. Just a single unisex trap, with an ill-fitting lock on the door, was completely inadequate.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't aware of the planning regulations that require the provision of a disabled toilet, if there are more than one WC. Surely there are plenty of public conveniences, scattered (if you'll excuse the pun), across our towns and cities, that aren't accessible by those with mobility issues?
These rules only apply to new builds and conversions, not retrospectively to existing facilities. Likewise disabled access to premises.
Delete"Plenty of public conveniences"? Er, I don't think there are any longer...
I thought passing their 50p vouchers was the attraction and didn't know of "people deliberately arranging their routines so that they can perform their bowel movements in Wetherspoon’s".
ReplyDeleteA friend highlighted to be your blog post and the beer ticker that tweeted the unusual sign.
ReplyDeleteThere's a bit of a story behind it I thought you might want to know, in regard to my role in this.
I'm a big fellow, as it goes, though I used to be a lot fitter when younger. Truth be told I've let myself go a bit after an injury and I eat and drink a lot. This has the side effect of, not to beat around the bush, rather big number 2s so to speak.
A double flusher is not unheard of in my house but my one and only visit to the Split Chimp was a bit of a disaster. My evacuation was unusually large that day, even by my own standards but I had no choice but to flush. I had neglected a halfway point courtesy flush being a little the worse for wear. The bowl filled up. and filled up. it wasn't going down. Panic coursed through me with every inch it rose. Then it overflowed.
Dirty brown water everywhere, pouring out of the small toilet and into the pub itself. Embarrassed is not the word. Mortified. It didn't help that I attempted to make a joke of it with the "you wanna give that ten minutes, love" to the horrified lady waiting outside with dirty water at our feet and a smell so foul patrons fled outside retching.
Justice was in some way done. I ruined a favourite pair of trainers and they barred me in a most humiliating angry rant. Luckily the bearded hipster ranting at me was a slight fellow and didn’t go for me. The pub was shut for a week before reopening when this sign apparently appeared. I daren't return and apologise. After the angry barring I'm disinclined to offer to pay for the plumber. I've just never returned.
I agree about Wetherspoons. Never broke their toilets though come close. As the water nears the rim, if goes down at the last moment. Robust plumbing at Wetherspoons. The lesson is a courtesy flush halfway through.
So now I know why I get all those glances. Thanks for you honesty Big John, although if you have issues like this, perhaps you should either see a medical professional or perhaps lay off the sauce. Maybe ask your GP to refer you to somebody specialist.
DeleteOne of the worse looks a person can get is leaving a micropub unisex single urinal. There's always a middle aged, middle class couple sitting there not looking. But we all know what they are thinking. Yes that one. It happens everywhere. One has to do the walk of shame back across the room to the pint of cloudy beer that's meant to be cloudy you know. That is only after doing a Number 1. God forbid if it were actually a jobby.
Can CAMRA do anything about this? Surely they should not recommend pubs that don't have proper toilet facilities. Does anyone know how many other pubs out there indulge in this practice. It needs stopping before it starts
I've shown my GP one of my evacuations. He didn't believe it was human. Not a good start.
DeleteBut you're right about the pejorative glances you get from middle class people in micro pubs when you go to the lavatory.
The places are so small they can hear you in there. Every groan, every muttering of "jesus christ". Every shuddering thud of it dropping in the bowl. God forbid the pipes rattle and shudder to give away your No2. The cheapness of Micropubs reveals itself with the inadequate facilities. Proper pubs have proper toilets. Man sized facilities.
Can we customers really be to blame if pipes shudder and burst? If the shudder cracks plaster or toilet bowls?
I did wonder at one point whether an inadequate toilet facility was actionable and whether I had a case to sue for the price of a pair of adidas beckenbauer. But then they might counter sue for a new toilet?
Best to let it lie. If CAMRA could campaign for adequate toilet facilities that would be a solid reason to join them.
I have my doubts about this story. But I'd say it's very likely that the sign was prompted by an "incident" of some kind.
DeleteToo much root vegetables and mash, BigJohn. try oily curries.
DeleteIncidentally, the Split Chimp in Whitley Bay had the rudest staff in any pub I've ever been in, but it all seemes a bit comic and over the top, almost like the Coach & Horses in Soho.
ReplyDeleteThey're very much of the mindset that they're more important than their customers.
DeleteI think it is pretty poor planning (and poor behaviour) to end up somewhere needing to spend more than a minute or two in the loo - medical reasons or dodgy food excepted.
ReplyDeletePeople whose bowels function like clockwork can be very unsympathetic to those who aren't so fortunate. A quick Google reveals "As a broad rule, pooping anywhere from three times a day to three times a week is normal."
DeleteNeeding a poo in the pub shouldn't be regarded as a moral failing or a sign of ill-health. This attitude is approaching the sometimes-heard suggestion that people with disabilities should stay at home. "If you can't manage X, you shouldn't go out."
Plus beer is recognised to have a laxative effect. A lengthy session is very likely to lead to a bowel movement.
I always considered that the older versions of the gents' loos, which were just brick enclosures outside, and with a metal trough nailed against a tarred wall, were one of the best solutions for mercy visits...
ReplyDeleteThere were several pubs around here, (Tunbridge Wells Borough), with such an arrangement, and as far as I can remember, there was no need for a place for a 'Tom Tit', as it was just deemed unnecessary! After all, having a 'Ruby' afterwards meant that all that could be dealt with the following day, in the comfort of one's own home!
The good thing about these open-air loos was that as they were open to the elements, they always received a pretty good flush down in the rainy season, and in the summer, a splunge of Jeyes dealt with the issue, and when it snowed, there was actually the difficulty of finding it anyway as it was too cold...
My drinking career goes back to the late 70s, and I honestly can't remember a pub without a gents' trap.
DeleteThe real answer to this problem is heavy-duty adult diapers. I recommend the "Joe Biden" model. Mind you, you still reek a bit at the end of a long day of beer and pies.
ReplyDeleteMrs C and many of the female species tend to avoid downloading in public toilets I'm not sure how they manage to hold it in.
ReplyDeleteI was rather amused to learn this week that the Split Chimp had closed due to cost pressures. However, it turned out it was the branch in Newcastle City Centre rather than the one in Whitley Bay. Imagine the headline - "Split Chimp flushed away!"
ReplyDeleteThis could be fertile ground for a determined prankster.
ReplyDeleteGoes into single trap.
5 minutes: “Bear with me, I’ve having a shit.”
10 minutes: “Sorry, it’s a long job, this.”
15 minutes: “OK, I’ve finished now. Oh no, there’s some more on its way!”
20 minutes: “Jeez, this is going to take some wiping!”
25 minutes: Emerges from trap looking drained but relieved. “I’d give it a few minutes if I were you!”