Settle down now

Over the years, I have often praised Wetherspoon’s business success in building an empire of large, thriving pubs from scratch in the face of an overall declining market. Earlier this year, I described how they had turned the existing business model of the industry on its head to be able to consistently deliver both food and drink at a much lower price point. I would largely agree with Cooking Lager’s comments about how the Wetherspoon’s App revolutionises the pub ordering process. And I will happily admit to using Spoon’s once or twice a month to take advantage of their food menu which, while not necessarily of gourmet quality, is unmatched by any competitors in its low prices and breadth of choice.

But please do not assume that this makes me a kind of uncritical fan of the company, as some people are. And, let me say it bluntly, in general I really don’t find Wetherspoon’s pubs congenial places to go for a drink.

Some years ago, I remember one member of the local CAMRA branch saying “I really don’t care what the pub’s like, so long as the beer is good.” But I have to say my attitude is pretty much the opposite. Obviously I don’t actively want to drink poor beer, but my priority when choosing somewhere to drink is a congenial environment. Maybe it is something of an autistic spectrum thing, but I would say I am much more sensitive than most to the physical characteristics of pubs.

I’ve been drinking legally for forty-eight years, and during that time I must have tried thousands of different beers. That’s more than enough to have worked out what I like and what I don’t. While I am interested in tasting beers like the new Boddingtons that are likely to become a permanent part of the landscape, or seasonal brews from local family brewers, my enthusiasm for tasting beers that I have never heard of before and am never likely to encounter again is pretty much zero. If you discount the Spartan industrial chic taproom kind of establishment, you really don’t tend to find uncongenial pubs with good beer. Broadly speaking, nice beer is found in nice pubs.

The key thing that I’m looking for is a sense of cosiness and enclosure. I’m not sure which pub the photo above is of – I believe it’s somewhere in the Welsh Marches – but that’s my kind of pub interior. Anywhere with tables and chairs in the middle of the room well away from the walls is a bit too wide-open for me, and I certainly don’t feel at home sitting there.

The best form of pub seating is wall benches, and my favoured spot is one where there is natural light from a window and I have a view of the bar or the door of the room. If there is loose seating, it should be arranged with the tables parallel to the wall rather than at right angles so you are looking into the centre of the room. Round tables are better than rectangular ones, especially with loose seating. Long tables that seat more than two at each side are a very bad idea. High-level posing tables are a complete no-no. Piped music is tolerable so long as it’s not too loud, but TV sport with the sound up is seriously offputting. Music can play in the background, but any TV with sound demands attention.

Fortunately, two of my nearby pubs, the Nursery in Heaton Norris and the Griffin in Heaton Mersey, tick most of those boxes, but unfortunately both are cursed with intrusive TV sport. I’ve often praised the quiet, cosy, comfortable environment of Samuel Smith’s pubs. All of those I regularly visit offer cask beer, but even if they didn’t I’d still enjoy going there.

But, sadly Wetherspoon’s, despite their low prices and lack of piped music, offer none of this. The typical Spoons branch has wide open spaces filled with a variety of loose furniture and posing tables. The picture above of the Palladium in Llandudno perfectly illustrates this – an impressive interior filled with cheap, disposable furniture. I might go in there for a meal, but I wouldn’t remotely feel at home. I’ve described such places in the past as being like a works canteen in a cathedral.

Some Wetherspoon’s are exceptions to this rule. For example, looking at my local ones, the Gateway in Didsbury has a congenial rear room with bench seating along one side, and another couple of corners of bench seating. The Kingfisher in Poynton has a raised area along the front that is only two tables deep and offers an element of seclusion from the rest of the pub. Both also have abundant natural light. Both, though, are conversions from pre-existing pubs. In contrast, the Calvert’s Court in Stockport, a former furniture shop, is basically just one long rectangular box.

So, while Spoons are a successful business and offer temptingly low prices, for me they really aren’t remotely appealing places just to go for a drink.