Sunday, 30 June 2013

Bladder wrack

One subject that seems to be largely ignored by beer writers and bloggers is the fact that drinking beer inevitably leads to a toilet visit.

I have been aware since I started going to pubs that my bladder capacity was maybe rather less than some other people’s, so this has always been a factor in considering pub visits. It’s not stopped me doing it, obviously, but I’ve always had to consider where the next piss is to be had. I have drawn an imaginary line around my house representing the maximum distance that can be walked home after consuming a few pints without needing a piss. I am a respectable, responsible, middle-aged, middle-class chap, so I really don't want to be relieving myself in alleyways.

The drastic closures of public toilets imposed by local authorities in recent years inevitably have an impact on this, although this doesn’t apply within my local zone.

One of the benefits of travelling by train is that, at least on long-distance journeys, toilet facilities are available, whereas on buses and Metrolink they aren’t.

One North-West based beer blogger seems to undertake lengthy journeys by bus to visit pubs that I wouldn’t remotely contemplate.

I also feel that public toilet closures have led to people in the over-40 age group being less willing to visit pubs and drink beer because they are uncertain of the after-effects, so this is a factor in the decline of pubs. In the past, councils provided large numbers of roadside urinals which have now been entirely shut down.

This also seems to be an area where concerns about providing equal-sex facilities, and accommodating the disabled, has led to a dog-in-the-manger attitude of not providing any facilities at all.


  1. The toilets in Birkdale railway station in Southport were closed with a notice explaining it was because of the Disability Discrimination Act. This is deceitful nonsense; it was not the intention of the Act that any facilities be withdrawn, and if it was not possible to make them compliant (this could include genuine financial reasons), then exceptions could be made. The DDA has been used as a pretext to close facilities, in much the same way as health and safety has been used to ban activities.

  2. I was told, just the other day, that the public toilets opposite Tonbridge station are now open round the clock. I certainly found them open at 11.30pm, and made use of them, a few weeks ago, so it appears that some councils are taking a more enlightened approach.

    ps. It's handy that these facilities ARE open, because there aren't any alleyways for me to make use of on my journey home!

  3. Martin, Cambridge1 July 2013 at 20:36

    Nothing speaks more highly of a town than the availability of a clean public toilet outside office hours.

  4. I'd give it 10 minutes.2 July 2013 at 10:51

    I tell you Mudgie old sport it's even worse when the No 2 department is adopting a mind of its own after bad beer has been consumed.

    For some reason London Pride often goes through me without touching the sides.

    In fact sometimes it can resembled a tarmac-laying machine crashing into a Bisto gravy truck.

    Strewth, it's bad.

  5. The same has often been said of Marston's Pedigree.

    They once had a beermat campaign where one said "If you can't get Pedigree where you live, move" and the next said "Have you moved yet?"

    On the other hand, you don't (hopefully) go out for a drinking session in the sure and certain knowledge that you will need a dump at some point before returning home.

  6. Touching Cloth2 July 2013 at 13:49

    I remember once sharting in a pub after 16 pints of Boddingtons.
    Fortunately, through deft footwork and a handy turn of phrase, the young lady I was trying to impress was none the wiser as I skipped to the bog and deposited soiled under-garments in the toilet cistern.
    A quick wash and mop up and, hey presto, I'd gone all hipster commando and continued with my eventually successful campaign of romance.
    Damn close run thing though.

  7. Lord Egbert Nobacon2 July 2013 at 15:46

    Christ I must have been pissed.
    I don't remember those four extra pints.
    Still, it's a salutory warning for any young blade strutting his stuff about town to heed.

  8. Here you go pal,

  9. Lord Egbert Nobacon4 July 2013 at 16:57

    Thanks Cookie - but I fear not even they were intended for the end result of two gallons of Bodingtons and some vigorous jitterbugging.


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